Distractions...

I'm writing this to distract myself from the surgically created vagina on my leg, which is desperately trying to give birth to the springs and wires that have so rudely interrupted the peaceful, natural healing of my knee ligaments.

Dan, Me and Tegan Kasbar 9pm

How this annoyingly long term ailment 'popped' into existence was during a night of debauchery in the debauche capital Penzance. It was my lovely friend Tegans Birthday (yes we share the same name) and a good time was being had by all. Kasbar to Weatherspoons, to The Star for twister and pool, to Sportsque for rattler and finally Studio Bar for dancing and eventually ambulances.

I've had quite nasty pains in my knee before (probably should of gone to hospital but not a fan) so when I first slipped on the - pound a bottle - Carlsberg drenched floor I initially thought to myself "oh fuck here we go again" but when I sat down and inspected me knee what I discovered was fairly unnerving... my knee seemed to be sticking out at a very unusual angle. As my friends went into their drunken emergency procedure, calling ambulances and holding back the swaying inebriated throng of the dancefloor from my leg, I sat (I’d like to think patiently) waiting for that bastard ambulance. After what seemed like an hour but was probably nearer 15 minutes I could not stand the insufferable pain any longer and so decided to try and shove my knee back into position and it worked… sort of. I was later told, when in A&E, that I hadn’t put it all the way back in and was then given a lengthy and agonizing demonstration of how it is meant to be done.

Me in the ambulance 2am

It is now 5 days since the accident, nearly 2 days since the operation and I am presently living in our spare room living for the Co-codamol and playing Playstation – something that I stopped doing a long time ago but it helps keep my mind of my throbbing bionic centre of pain.